By Katlyn Miller, Manager of Communications and Media Strategy
Technology makes it easy to stay connected even when we can’t be together physically—whether through social media, texting, or video chat. In a time where everyone is so interconnected, boundaries take on new forms. Respecting people’s boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships online is just as important as it is in-person, which requires “digital consent.”
What is digital consent?
First, let’s break down what “consent” means. According to our Community Education and Prevention team’s consent resource, consent is when “all people are talking openly and deciding together on what activities they want to engage in.” Consent must also be ongoing, which means checking in with your partner to see if they’re okay with how things are progressing and how they’re feeling. Another important component of consent is that it must be given voluntarily and freely, without any pressure, guilt, or coercion to make them feel forced to say yes.
Just like the traditional definition of consent, digital consent is all about setting and respecting boundaries—but through technology. Our interactions over the phone and on the internet impact our relationships, whether we’re talking to friends or romantic partners.
Setting Non-sexual Digital Boundaries
Setting digital boundaries can be as simple as asking your partner/friend about how they would like to keep in touch throughout the day. Some people like texting continuously throughout the day, and some people prefer to stay off their phones while at school or work. Setting digital boundaries can also mean establishing a routine, such as having a nightly FaceTime call to catch up on the day or making sure to send a goodnight text before going to bed. Talking with your partner or friends about these expectations and boundaries early on will help ensure everyone’s emotional needs are being met while also ensuring no one is overstepping any pre-established boundaries.
When it comes to social media, it's also good practice to ask for someone’s consent before posting a picture of them online or tagging them in a post. Some people don’t like to be on social media, so make sure to ask before posting if you’re not sure how they feel about it.
Digital Consent in Sexual Settings
When it comes to sexting (sending nude photos and/or sexual messages over the phone), consent is especially important. Some people are comfortable sexting, and others aren’t. If you and your partner are interested in sexting, always ask before sending a nude photo. Yes, even if you’re in a long-term relationship or have sent photos in the past. Just because your partner has given consent once does not mean that they consent to the same act every time after that. It’s always important to check in and make sure your partner is comfortable. If they say no, do not try to pressure them into sending pictures. Accept—and respect—their answer and continue the conversation in a non-sexual direction.
If someone threatens to share explicit photos of you with other people, that is a major violation of consent. Other violations of sexual digital consent include breaking into your phone to save and/or leak nude photos of you, hacking into your social media accounts and posting inappropriate content, secretly placing a camera in a bedroom or bathroom, and more.
If someone has sexually harassed you digitally, there are resources to help. Check out our list of resources here.
How can I practice digital consent?
Putting digital consent into practice may seem weird or complicated at first, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are some examples of how to ask for consent and set digital boundaries:
- “I can’t look at my phone during basketball practice, but I’ll text you afterwards!”
- “I really like this picture of us! Do you mind if I post it on Instagram? Can I tag you?”
- “This conversation is turning me on. Can I show you how it makes me feel?”
- “Do you mind if I call you quick?”
- “Are you in a good headspace to listen to me vent? I’ve been going through a lot and just need to talk to someone.”
- “I prefer FaceTime over texting. How would you feel about having a call after dinner tonight?”
- “I just heard my phone buzz, but my hands are full. Would you mind reading the message to me?” (In this instance, they gave someone permission to look at their message and open their phone; do not go through someone’s phone unless they ask or tell you it’s okay beforehand.)
Now that you have a better understanding of what digital consent is, we hope that you feel more comfortable going out and practicing setting digital boundaries. One step at a time, we can create healthy online spaces where everyone feels safe and respected.
If you or someone you know has experienced domestic violence or human trafficking, call our 24/7 free and confidential hotline: 1-800-298-7233 (SAFE).