"This House" #SurvivorSeries

Each word ran a relay race through my head and I could think of nothing else but,

brushing my teeth, then -
scrolling through Netflix -
laughing at every movie choice with Lily, my younger and only sister, then -

drifting asleep before the movie even really started.

Lilly’s laugh is getting louder now but it can’t drown out the words. The note hanging on the fridge is staring back at me: “THIS HOUSE IS A F*CKING MESS ” I keep picturing myself snatching it down, but my hands won’t seem to move. “Clean up,” begins to echo with Lilly’s laugh, I shut my eyes hoping that would push out his voice. But in a blink, I’m no longer drifting asleep, I’m wide awake sprinting to my mother’s side, enraging my father.

Seeing me, he starts getting closer, pushing us until we are outside, then he slams and locks the door. The cold air stings me. Instinctively, I try to hold my breath – is the Coronavirus airborne? We have no masks, no gloves, no hand sanitizer – he rations and controls them like he controls our every basic need. If we get sick, he’ll never let us back in, especially not my mom. But then I remember we are outside, alone in the middle of night. At least, we are safe from contracting the virus, but not safe from him. I take a deep breath in defiance. Praying nobody sees us, my cheeks are the first thing to regain some warmth. This episode eventually would pass, like others before it.

I wish I just started washing dishes, and Lilly would have wiped down the counter.

My father is abusive and my mother is in the process of leaving him. When the lockdown started in our hometown, my sister and I decided to return home. Lily came back from college and I traded my roommates for my family. At least when there wasn’t a pandemic, my father would spend his time at the gym and the bar, but now there’s nowhere to be but in the house - "his house." And with my father, we never really know what mood we will get. So, we walk on eggshells, remembering - back straight, arms up, softly, toes pointed, precision, balance, timing – a choreography my mother taught Lily and me discreetly, for years.

I know being stuck at home with him all day scares my mother. I’m just as scared. I sometimes watch her mapping out the area, checking for any sort of threat toward us. Since he can’t leave the house, he spends his time fixated on her - constantly monitoring whom she talks to, what she’s doing, where she’s going, how she’s spending money – "his money." My mom told me before that she’s receiving counseling from MSP, it was part of our plan.

First, I leave, then Lily goes off,

then my mom can go.

So I moved out.

On my own, our escape plan would cross my mind every now and then. But being in the house, I think about it constantly. I started to notice after she is able to have a phone call with her counselor, her eye contact improves and she fidgets a little less around him. I struggle every time I notice. I want her to be the confident woman she deserves to be, but I also wish she would hide it more so he won’t notice. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but surviving takes strategy.

One day he sensed her optimism and grumbled: “You think you’re so much better than me, but look around, this is what you deserve. No one else will protect you or love you like I do.” Just more words I can’t get out of my head. His low threatening tone rips through my ears, reminding me of elementary school, middle school, and high school. I might as well be 12 again, clutching Lily close to me, blocking her ears to protect her from his wrath.

“THIS HOUSE IS A F*CKING MESS”

The words still growl in my ears. Hearing it feels like the change of wind that animals feel before they search for safety from a potential threat. Are they running away from a raging storm or a hungry predator? I wonder how differently the wind can feel to animals... and what about the wind can inspire an animal pack up and leave its nest for good?

As advocates for survivors of domestic violence, My Sisters’ Place counselors work with many young people who have grown up in the shadow of abuse. The young adult sharing this story exemplifies the long-term impact of living in a home with a perpetrator of domestic violence. Children who experience or witness domestic violence often feel an extreme lack of control over their circumstances. “Much like survivors of natural disasters or soldiers returning from war, children living in a home with a perpetrator of domestic violence are in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze,” says Lisa Fragola, MSP’s Children’s Program Manager.

But children adjust to their circumstances – no matter how stressful. Becoming accustomed to chaos and the threat of violence can result in an overflow of emotions and racing thoughts. We see this at the beginning of the story as the narrator stood frozen with her thoughts running relay races, a stress-response typical among survivors experiencing PTSD.

At MSP, we practice early intervention with children to address the impact of trauma. Domestic Violence Counselor Kim Barragan describes how “our therapeutic sessions offer children vocabulary and language to express how they feel while promoting open communication and mindfulness. This helps children to regain control in their lives by combating negative thinking." The narrator wrestles with where to place the blame for the violence she has encountered. We have seen many children who feel “caught in the middle,” at times, even assuming responsibility of the abuse as they grapple with a sense of being unable to assist their non-offending caregiver.

Self-blame justifies the actions of an abuser and can continue a cycle of abuse by teaching children they have the right to abuse others or that others have the right to abuse them. Counseling helps children acknowledge what they are going through is not their fault.

While in her childhood home, the narrator is constantly aware of the possibility of danger - describing the choreographed dance her mother taught her and Lily, or the threat to their survival she feels when her mother’s happiness is too noticeable. Lisa Fragola tells us, “this state of hypervigilance becomes a tool of self-preservation and becomes their default response to all situations, regardless of time and place.” Living in this constant state of balancing can lead to severe anxiety and emotional distress.

MSP counselors provide a safe environment where survivors of all ages can speak about their emotions, learn problem-solving skills, and practice self-care. We repeatedly see the positive impact of these interventions, as families emerge from fear and the effect of trauma to enjoy lives of safety and peace.

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