#TalkToYourKid
By Vivian Todini, Community Educator
Your teen comes home, goes straight to her room and shuts the door. When you ask what’s going on, you either get an eye roll or “you wouldn’t understand.” When you walk in her room, she barely looks up from scrolling through her phone.
Being a parent has never been easy. But, being a parent in the digital age has its own challenges. Chances are she, like so many other kids, is just doing her nightly ride on the social media superhighway. However, something else might be going on that may never occur to you.
Revealingly, although 82% of parents believe they would know if their child was in an abusive relationship, according to Love is Respect, 58% could not correctly identify all the signs of abuse. Most people think of bruises or black eyes, but emotional, sexual, verbal, and cyber abuse are just as dangerous means of power and control over a partner.
So is your teen just being a teen and more interested in her friends than you – or is she glued to her phone because she is being pressured by the person she is dating to stay in constant contact? Would you know if she was looking at her friends’ social media feeds and wishing she could post an emoji or a “like”? But, she doesn’t dare because her partner made it clear that she is to curb who she socializes with online because he is her number one. Or maybe she is escaping into an online game because she is stressed out about the crush that turned into a relationship that turned into a rollercoaster of abuse. This scenario can play out with any of your kids, because teen dating violence affects all genders and all relationships, including LGBTQ relationships.
In the digital age, it can be even more difficult to discern what’s typical teen intensity and what’s abuse. Yet, with location services, texting, picture sharing, and so many boundary-pushing online activities, digital dating abuse is on the rise: A study in the tri-state area by the Urban Institute found that one in four dating teens is digitally victimized by their partner. And, online abuse is almost always a signal that other abuse is underway.
Marco’s story is one we share as part of the two-day relationship workshops we hold in Westchester schools. Any time a girl “liked” Marco’s posts, Emma, his girlfriend, trashed her online. Friends stopped posting to his social media feed. After a few months, Emma demanded to see Marco’s texts claiming, “If you have nothing to hide, what’s the problem?” She started dictating who he should be friends with and showing up at his workplace uninvited. His friends told him to “man up.” Fortunately, he was “man enough” to call our hotline.
One morning, Jules woke up to 32 missed calls, 10 texts and 3 voicemails from her partner Taylor. This barrage was becoming a pattern, as was Taylor’s monitoring of Jules’ outfits to “make sure she wasn’t showing too much.” Through these and other stories and activities, we work with students on how to identify healthy behaviors, red flags and dangerous patterns in a relationship. We also share resources on how to get help.
Our work is just one part of the solution. Parents play a critical role. How can you become more aware of whether your teen’s dating world is safe?
Take notice of their life. Has it changed? Are they becoming isolated from their friends or hypervigilant when responding to a partner’s texts or calls?
Start conversations. If your dynamic is rocky, be humble enough to remind your teen that if they don’t want to talk to you, they should seek out another trusted adult. As we remind people in our Parents Workshops, the conversations don’t have to be perfect nor a one-time dialogue. And, it’s ok to say, I don’t know, let’s figure it out together.
Ask questions and share observations. Do what we suggest students do when helping a friend and ask, how do you feel when you’re with your partner? What is it you like most about them? Ask if they share in decision-making. Ask if they feel respected and safe. Ask, what’s fun in the relationship? And, if you notice a constant presence by your teen’s partner, ask, is this what you want?
Make the conversation a judgment-free zone and focus on listening rather than talking. You will learn a lot from what you hear. These conversations can never start too early and yet, they are never too late. In fact, it’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, so start today.
Vivian Todini is a Community Educator in the Education and Prevention Department at My Sisters’ Place. Call 1-800-298-7233 (SAFE), if you are being abused or have questions on how to help your teen.